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Nelson: Order the Signal Hardy Hardy: Aye, aye Sir Nelson: Hold on! That’s not what I dictated to Flags! What’s the meaning of this? Hardy: Sorry Sir? Nelson: (Reading Aloud) England expects every person to do his or her duty regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability! What gobbledegook is this? Hardy: Admiralty policy, I’m afraid Sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the Devil’s own job of getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist. Nelson: Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and baccy! Hardy: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments. Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle! Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the government’s policy on binge drinking. Nelson: Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with then – full speed ahead. Hardy: I think that you’ll find there’s a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water. Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please. Hardy: That won’t be possible, Sir. Nelson: What? Hardy: Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest Sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected. Nelson: Then get me the chippy without delay Hardy. Hardy: He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the focsle, Admiral. Nelson: Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd! Hardy: Health and safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled. Nelson: Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye, and I refuse even to hear mention of the word! I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card! Hardy: Actually Sir, you did. The Pusser is under-represented in the areas of visual-impairment and limb-deficiency. Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons. Hardy: A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and safety won’t let the ship’s company up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts? Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil! Hardy: I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, Sir. You’ll be up on your own defaulters list! Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King! Hardy: Not anymore, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar stab-proof vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life …
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